If only I could tell you what was running through my head. It’s a hard enough task to do that when my brain is in top performance mode– there are just so many thought processes I haven’t learned how to articulate. But when I’m doing okay, I find ways. However, I’m not always doing okay. There are so many things I wish I could tell people when I’m shutting down because of my ASD, or experiencing a panic attack or autistic meltdown.
I wish I could tell people what kicked it off, but most times I forget because all of my brain power is spent trying to keep myself together. I wish I could tell people that it isn’t their fault, that I’m not melting down to make anyone feel bad. I don’t want attention, it’s never for attention. It’s an attempt at gaining internal stability by letting the frustration and distress filter out of me. It’s always easier to explain in hindsight, but if only I could find my voice in person during those meltdowns.
I also wish I could find a way to ask people to stop asking me questions and trying to make me speak without it coming across as rude or ungrateful. The sentiment means the world, but my ASD puts my brain in a red alert mode that makes it impossible for me to do anything other than attempt to internally regulate, which usually includes shutting down from other people for a bit. And along with that sentiment, the comfort of a physical touch is something that many people with ASD can really become overwhelmed by. When I’m extremely overwhelmed, my nerves feel like fire. So when anyone tries to touch me to comfort me, even if it’s a well-intentioned hug or back on the back, I don’t receive it well. And I usually end up hurting the person’s feelings, but in those moments it becomes nearly impossible to express myself so clearly. For me, I like to be left alone in a quiet space for a little bit while my brain settles back into my body. Obviously, this is a subjective experience and everyone on the spectrum has different ways of handling these things, but try to ask your autistic friends what they need from you before assuming that they want to be comforted in neurotypical ways. There’s nothing wrong with needing something different, and the people who love you will be more than happy to adapt to what you need.
~Anonymous Writer
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